Tuesday, December 14, 2010

letting go...

For those of you who visit regularly,
you may have noticed for awhile this Fall

the Pash was up for sale.
I knew it was Autumn and the likelihood of her selling
was minimal,
but I had to actually make a move to acknowledge to myself
it was time.

See those people riding up there?

It was at that moment I really knew,

the Pash and I may need to part ways

Look close, the tear in my eye is palpable.
It had been brewing for awhile,
but in September it really sank in...

See this happy gal?

Well, on the ride home she wasn't so happy.

It was late, it was dark, she couldn't keep up with her man,

and then it happened...

something seriously wrong happened to my knee.
I felt it and my heart sank.

This was
early September,
and the pain never went away.

I was in pain riding Pash,

I was in pain standing,

I was in pain walking,

I was in pain sitting.

Later in the month
I wanted to go on a photo mission

and H joined me on the venture.

The pain was still there,

and so was the fact I couldn't keep up.

I began to acknowledge that I had really jacked up my knee,
and I was frustratingly slow,
and it was because of the Pash.
Though I love her dearly,

she simply is not working out for me.

I had hoped to keep her, I still do, because I had big dreams for her.

But the reality is, she hurt me and she is too slow for me.

I can wish to live in my fantasy Pash World,
or I can acknowledge my personal reality,
which is...
In this town, I need a lighter faster bicycle that can get me further and faster.
I live in America, I have limited time, I work hard, I am tired, and I have places I need to be.
My town is not compact, it is far to many places,
and if it takes me too long to get there
I won't go
or I will try to go fast and end up hurting myself.
I also have new bikish reasons to ride more,
and the Pash is not a realistic mode for these endeavors,
nor is leaving my nice road bicycle locked at a rack.

When I was twenty perhaps I could work through the pain,
but in a few months I turn forty and recovery is slow,
and pain very much not worth it.

I was in physical therapy for months for my back,

I got tired of it and stopped going.

Now to have a bum knee in the same year,

is, well, a bummer.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

With winter comes yoga for me.

The knee has been screaming at me,

but each time I go, she screams less.

I am completely unable to do my favorite pose,

one of the poses I used to be able to do best,

the tree pose.
This makes me sad.

My goal ~ to fully accomplish tree pose by March.
And then what?

To ride...

I have a plan.
Sadly, it involves selling the Pash in the Spring
to someone better suited,
with a less fragile body,
who can give her the care and love she deserves.
But I have not given up on the dream.
I have a new bicycle in mind, more practical for my current life.

Someday, I do plan to live in Europe for an extended time period.
I will then make real my obsession again, bring her home with me, and never let her go.
Until then,
I want to ride.

Sometimes that which appears most beautiful
can be most torturous to our soul.
Do we fight through the pain to obtain the beauty,
or do we let go of beauty, for a satisfied soul?

Sometimes you have to let the things you love fly,
to find the things you need.
This is true not only of my Pash,
but in my life right now.
What was our lives at one time,
is now a distant memory,
and what is our present is our reality.
Letting go is the hardest part,
being receptive to what change can bring,
can be the most rewarding...